Merry Christmas!!

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas this year with people you love and care about... Happy Holiday everyone.. !

My Favorite Time of The Year...Supposedly.

Whew.. Hi guys, it's been a while since the last time I updated my blog. I was well.. busy.. (read : bit lazy) lately, hahaha..begitulah..  But anyway, banyak sekali kejadian-kejadian yang terjadi belakangan ini mulai dari ulang tahun, pindah tempat tinggal dll.  Some good and some, let say.. I had a better day. I was in Singapore just last November. Everything was actually like the same. The crowd, the people and the hectic. Then the next evening, I went to Orchard Road. Somehow the colors changed with lots of blue light ornament along the road and Christmas tree everywhere. Suddenly it struck my head, Oh my.. Christmas is coming!

 Since I was a kid, I always love Christmas. There's always something different about it compared to other holiday. Mal-mal dipenuhi berbagai macam hiasan Natal, mulai dari persaingan Pohon Natal berukuran raksasa dengan konsep unik-unik dari setiap Mal, Mistletoe bergelantungan, Juntaian rangkaian daun Holly dimana-mana and Christmas carols also sounded almost everywhere. It excites me!

Tapi tidak hanya itu. Spirit dari Natal sendiri somehow influence my mind throughout the season. It brings you joyous holiday excitement, some romantic and melancholic feeling (whew.. agak ribet ya..). But it's true..at least for me.

Romantic? Yes.. Mungkin karena dari kecil saya sering menonton film-film natal yang genrenya romantic comedy (well what can I say.. agak jarang kan film Natal yang bertema horror or action or sci-fi) dan biasanya berakhir dengan bahagia. Actually I even think that Christmas is more romantic than Valentine. I have a little secret that someday.. just someday, I can go busy shopping for my Christmas present to my boyfriend, decorating Christmas tree, then have a romantic candle light dinner just the two of us on Christmas eve. Stay up late chatting and enjoying some nice beers (or wine, eggnog ..or even cup of tea/coffee.. well whatever..) at home and wake up in the morning beside him to surprise and be surprised with our Christmas present. Ah.. a man can dream.. haha..

Melancholic.. Maybe because this holiday is some kind of irony for me. You see, at Christmas you supposedly spend it with people that you love. People that close to your heart, Loving ones where you feel most comfortable with. And yet... if you're not that close with your family, you want to spend it with other people that you consider family. Not always by blood, but more into emotional attachment between you and that person. It could be your boyfriend, best-friends, etc. But when you're single, not too close with your family (why.. well.. we'll have some other time to talk about it) and your besties are not available... The spirit of Christmas becomes ironic to you.

Yesterday, my office just announced that we'll have year end holiday for TEN days..! I was surprised, happy but also freaking out. Ten days without any real good plan, knowing where to go or whom can I go with. In fact it's still give me creeps to think about it just now. What's wrong with me.. I supposed to be happy and excited instead of freaking out like this. I don't know bout you guys, but some might will enjoy holiday without doing nothing, alone and all. But it's just not me. Having a Christmas celebration and New Years Eve party with strangers or people whom you don't really excited to go with I guess sucks because for me, The most important thing in any Holiday is with who, the rest are just attribute. I learn now that family, boyfriend or friends are sooo damn important in this situation, so get one! Make friends as many as you can get throughout the year.. find a date or even a boyfriend at least several months before Holiday season.. and make plans as early as you can.. hahaha.. so you won't end up don't know what you will do in this precious holiday.... alone...

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is... You 
-Mariah Carey-

Late 20's & Single

I've been single for almost a month now. Well I must admit, I've been better honestly but, turns out being single (again) is not as horrible as I thought it would be. These time of days, I'm kinda figuring out what is it like to be single at my age. Well.. apparently this is not my first time for being single. I've been single like a lots from time to time and I notice there's something change in time of period. Well.. FYI, here's my situation. I'm soon to be 29 years old this year, kinda new in the city and not living with my parents.

Being single at my age.. Yes, it would be kinda hard to imagine a regular-relaxing-fun-for-single-guy activity in weekend (haha..). Jalan-jalan, belanja, nonton sendirian? hmm..might fun for couple weeks, but if it keep continue that way, do you think it'll still be fun? I can't say it goes for all of us. Cos, yeah we still have friends, even better other single friends, etc. But when you're 28, how many new friends you made and becoming close to you in this past year?

When we were in high school, college or even working as a first jobber, usually we went out as groups. Ingatkah kita masa-masa dimana kita suka memesan ke mbak-mbak XXI (dulu Blitz blum ada jaman saya waktu itu haha) tiket nonton untuk satu row full karena kita selalu hang out ramai-ramai? Atau mungkin berkonvoi ria ke luar kota dan menikmati weekend bersama teman-teman? Then as you grow older, teman-teman kita mulai saling memisahkan diri dan bergabung dengan pasangan-pasangannya masing-masing untuk "quality time" dan kita mulai agak kelabakan mencari mereka. Memang bukan berarti hang out bersama group menjadi mutlak hilang, namun frekuensinya tentu tidak seperti dahulu. We can no longer count on to our friends to spend the weekend together. The worst case is you become the "plus one", means that you hang out with your friend and his/her dates and you become the "plus". Kinda sucks right if it happens all the time? haha..

You might wanna think to find some regular activities for your weekend. When I share my current situation to my best friend, she said, "Go find some activities, take a course..umm..French Class? Join some Hobby Club". Saya sebenarnya cukup setuju dengan ide-ide semacam ini, walaupun sebenarnya saya ragu, apakah hal ini bisa benar-benar menyelesaikan masalah saya. You see, the thought of knowing that in weekend somewhere out there people are like going out with their dates, giving a chance for their love luck while you're stuck in a class learning French language.. well those Bonjour, J'taime and all doesn't sound sexy anymore right? Walaupun di satu sisi, bisa jadi juga kita somehow bertemu dengan calon pasangan kita di tempat-tempat tersebut.

Belum lagi halangan-halangan seperti kesibukan kerja dan rutinitas kita sehari-hari lainnya. No wonder ketika ada suatu penelitian di Amerika saat ini yang menyatakan bahwa satu dari delapan pasangan di Amerika saat ini bertemu di online. Yep.. Online dating saat ini mau tidak mau menjadi salah satu alternatif buat saya untuk keluar dari status single ini. Sayangnya even di Jakarta, finding partner through online still considered cliche and feels like unreal. I would say the challenge is like doubled up. Fake photos, weird guys, awkward situation on the first meeting and all. But don't you think no matter how you find your partner, the important thing is how you maintain the relationship afterward?

Well the point is maybe how you deal with the loneliness. Not physically, but more into into your mind consciousness. Practically, weekend terkadang menjadi sebuah dilema. Di satu sisi kita senang harus lepas dari rutinitas pekerjaan yang membuat stress. Namun di sisi lain, muncul kengerian akan apa yang bakal kita alami ketika weekend. Jari-jari mulai gatal untuk me-message orang-orang baik sesama teman jomblo ataupun list gebetan kita, sehingga kita tidak sendirian ketika weekend. Actually we might don't have any problem spending time alone during weekend. But spending it with lonely feeling. That's what's killing.. at least in my case.

I could find so many other excuses and blame my current situation to make me keep being single now, but it's kinda unfair don't you think? However, being 28 and single, well you can do lots of things you might couldn't back when you were young. Traveling to whenever you want with your own money without needing your parents approval. Buying stuffs like you couldn't afford before and many other things we can do when we are a grown ups and single. After all, every situation has two sides of a coin right? (but still.. just feel free to bitch about it in the comment box below haha...)

So, in the mean time, mungkin saya hanya ingin membuka segala kemungkinan yang terjadi dalam kehidupan saya saat ini. Being single or not actually is only part of the process that should happen in my life. I won't deny that it sucks and sometimes frustrating. I don't want to lose hope too, cos deep inside I do believe that someday somewhere along the way I might have someone for me whom I can love and be loved. But if the obsession is getting annoying and stressful in daily basis (and that includes every weekend for the rest of the year), do you think it's still worth it?

Somewhere along the way when I write this post, I found this quote which kinda motivate me not to let down for being single at the moment "I don't need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves." - Shirley MacLaine

Have a great night you..

Something about Lie

Dua minggu yang lalu saya baru saja menyelesaikan serial Lie To Me season 2. Luar biasa bagaimana Dr Cal Lightman mempelajari micro expression dari manusia untuk mengenali sebuah ketidak jujuran karena basically menurut mereka kata-kata bisa bohong tapi tubuh biasanya spontan bereaksi jujur terhadap sesuatu. Entah perasaan marah, sedih, senang, bersalah, ketidak yakinan, etc. Try to remember, if maybe you've been in this situation before when you had this feeling that your friend or boyfriend hiding something beneath his words but you coulndn't really tell where the feeling come from, well who knows you might be reading the micro expression unconsciously that time.

I used to date a guy who never look at me in the eye and it's kinda bothered me so much. Ketika kita sedang hang out and chat, even when we made love, saya selalu perhatikan dia jarang sekali melihat ke arah saya dan ketika kita bertemu mata pun dia tidak pernah bertahan lebih dari dua detik. Saya akhirnya sempat mencoba bertanya mengenai hal ini dan ketika itu dia cuma berkata kalau tidak hanya tidak terbiasa memandang mata. Later on when we broke up, I found out that he never actually love me along this time. I guess that explains a lot why he couldn't stand looking at each others eye. Is it because of the lie? I don't know.. even if its true, I don't blame him for that, cos in lots of cases, we tend to lie cos we don't want to hurt someone's heart don't we? And who knows on some level I want him to lie for me, so that I can feel happy or secure? It's like when you ask your boyfriend if you're fat or not? Deep inside your heart, you might actually want them to lie for us right? So.. who to blame now?
 

Dari sejak Adam dan Hawa, kejujuran sudah menjadi sebuah masalah. Beberapa orang berpikir bahwa jujur adalah tidak mengatakan kebohongan. Well..menurut saya kejujuran lebih dari sekedar tidak mengatakan kebohongan namun mengatakan kebenaran. Pernahkah anda menyadari bahwa seseorang menjadi salah persepsi akan sesuatu yang even tidak anda katakan namun anda dengan sadar mengetahui bahwa dia menjadi salah sangka oleh karena apa yang tidak anda ucapkan? (hmmm.. ribet ya? you can read this part bit slow and careful :p). Secara harafiah memang kita tidak berbohong, namun apakah kita berarti jujur?

Contohnya, apabila anda bertemu dengan selingkuhan anda di sebuah mal, setelah itu anda pergi ke gym untuk berolah raga. Kemudian pasangan anda bertanya, "lagi apa?" Jawaban anda mungkin tidak akan seperti, "iya tadi ketemu ma selingkuhan di mal, trus kardio di gym" but more like, "ke mal trus kardio di gym". Basically jawaban kedua ini sebenarnya tidak salah juga.. karena toh benar-benar menceritakan tentang kegiatan anda. Namun apa yang tidak diceritakanlah yang menurut saya letak ketidak jujuran ini. I might agree with this sentence from Yiddish Proverb that says, "A half truth is a whole lie."

However as Dr Cal Lightman says, "Body language tells the truth, even from the grave." membuat saya berpikir, karena inikah kadang beberapa orang mungkin termasuk kita, menghindari kontak fisik ketika menyelesaikan sebuah konflik, memutuskan pasangannya, even saying I love you? Are we afraid of being "stripped off" when he look into our eyes and find the truth?

So, are you wondering now what will you see when you look at your man's eyes? Love? Guilt? Unhappiness? The question actually doesn't stop there.. but are you actually ready to meet the truth? What will you do then?

Lie or not to lie..well.. just remember one thing, "A lie usually leads to another a bigger lie and no man has enough memory to remember all those lie."

Post Breakup Cleanup

Breaking up is hard to do.. demikianlah sepenggal lagu yang tiba-tiba muncul di kepala saya ketika saya mencoba menulis blog sore ini. It is not just about dealing with your heart but also dealing with all the attributes or investment that you've already put in that fail relationship.

Contohnya teman saya. Beberapa waktu yang lalu dia baru saja putus dengan pacarnya. Mereka sempat tinggal bersama selama tiga tahun. Selama berpacaran, mereka tinggal bersama dan somehow teman saya ini bertindak sebagai "the provider" karena pacarnya tidak memiliki pekerjaan tetap. Ketika mereka putus, teman saya baru mendapati, tidak cuma patah hati yang dia dapatkan namun juga tanggungan hutang mantannya senilai 60 juta rupiah plus tagihan telepon selularnya senilai 9 juta rupiah yang harus dia tanggung. Saya tidak bertanya detil mengenai kejadiannya. Namun dia bercerita bahwa sampai sekarang dia masih menyicil sisanya senilai 15 juta yang harus dibayarkan. Bisakah anda bayangkan bagaimana perasaan teman saya itu? Tidak cuma menanggung sakitnya patah hati namun juga hutang mantan?

Well, mungkin yang kita alami tidak se-ekstrim kejadian teman saya tadi, tapi pada dasarnya sama. Mungkin foto-foto, video-video liburan, hadiah-hadiah, barang-barang mantan yang masih ada di rumah kita atau sebaliknya, sampai ke hal-hal simple seperti nama panggilan di contact list kita. I call it "Post Break-up Clean-up". Ketika beberapa waktu lalu saya putus, hal-hal ini merupakan hal-hal yang menurut saya cukup berat dilakukan, terlebih lagi kalau kita putus baik-baik atau putus dalam keadaan anda masih sangat mencintai dia. Doing the Post Break-up Clean-up sucks. Yang saya rasakan sih setiap mendelete foto-foto itu saya seperti dipaksa untuk mengubur dan mengikhlaskan dia hilang dari kehidupan saya. Saya jadi bertanya, apakah sebenarnya hal ini penting? Apakah hal ini sebenarnya bisa membantu saya untuk bisa move on? It's so funny how a picture or a nickname can be very meaningful to us. I'm suddenly wondering, that maybe somehow is it what actually we're investing on a relationship? All those memories and things from the past for our future?

Mungkin Post Break-up Clean-up ini hanyalah sebuah attribut ketika kita putus dengan pacar kita. Namun yang paling penting menurut saya adalah bagaimana kita mengikhlaskan bahwa dia sudah tidak bersama dengan kita. Dia bukan untuk kita dan kita bukan untuk dia. Being sincere and forgiving is the key to move on, at least that's what I thought in mind.

Paranoia-paranoia pasti akan selalu muncul, seperti, "Kapan lagi bisa dapet orang seperti dia?", "I would never love like I love him ever again", "No one will ever love me like he did". Well.. Saya tidak bisa bilang bahwa itu bohong dan lebay belaka, karena mungkin saja hal itu akan terjadi. Namun, toh akhirnya tidak akan mengubah kenyataan apa-apa bahwa dia bukan milik anda lagi dan tidak ada jaminan bahwa kalian akan bersama di masa depan. So pilihannya cuma dua. Move on or Dwell?

I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I do want to share this quote every time I break up with someone. "If you think like the past, see like the past, talk like the past and live like the past, good guys from the future will hard to find you. And hey.. remember the good one maybe gone, but the best is yet to come!"

Have a great evening everyone!

Being Dumped

Hampir semua orang pasti pernah mengalami patah hati. Bahkan teman saya yang sangat anti dengan namanya relationship pun pernah mengalami patah hati. Yak, patah hati memang seperti sakit flu, menyerang siapa saja tanpa pandang jenis kelamin, orientasi seks, umur, dan sebagainya.

Baru saja dua minggu yang lalu saya diputuskan oleh pasangan saya yang sudah jalan selama 2 bulan ini. Percaya tidak percaya, biasanya firasat bahwa hubungan kita akan berakhir biasanya sering muncul sebelumnya. At least dalam kasus saya. Alasan saya diputusin simple sebenarnya. He's just not into me. Penyampaian yang diungkapkan ketika diputusin memang bisa sejuta kata dan bahasa, namun intinya tetap sama.

The worst part of being dumped is, it brings your self esteem to the lowest point, feeling unwanted and all. Apalagi ketika kita sudah mati-matian berusaha memperjuangkan sebuah hubungan, eeeh ternyata si dia menyerah. Marah, tidak terima, sakit hati, kecewa dan semua sinonimnya bercampur aduk menjadi satu. Anyway, when you're just not that into someone, do you think if you give it some time, somehow time will transform your heart to love him eventually? If yes.. how long do you think will it take?

Semalam teman saya berkomentar ketika dia mengetahui bahwa saya baru 2 bulan jalan ketika putus. "Yahh.. baru dua bulan mah ga papa kaleeee.. kirain udah brapa lama..." begitu komentarnya. Then I suddenly wondered, why do people always think a quality of a relationship based on how long the relationship last? Well, in my point of view that's not always true. Menurut saya seberapa banyak hal-hal termasuk hati, pikiran, tenaga, waktu, memori dan lain sebagainya diinvestasikan di hubungan itulah yang membuat seberapa dalam kualitas sebuah hubungan tidak peduli berapa lama kita berhubungan. Saya ingat sekali ketika saya pernah berada di semacam Holiday Retreat, saya bertemu dengan orang baru disana. Acara tersebut hanya berlangsung selama 3 hari saja, namun bond antara saya dan teman saya sangatlah kuat saat itu. We spent like breakfast, lunch and dinner together... Talked about many things and feel connected. Ketika acara selesai dan kami harus kembali ke kota masing-masing, it felt like something is missing (agak lebay memang haha). Perasaan yang agak mirip ketika kita kehilangan orang yang kita sayang, padahal helloo.. I might barely knew that person right? So, I think that when you meet the right person (at least you think you've met), it doesn't take a month, a year or even a decade to actually prove a quality of a relationship.

When we get dumped..I think the only thing we need to do is just to face the truth, deal with it, move on and get on with life. The question would be.. "How?" and "How long?" or in the worst case mungkin ada yang bertanya "Should I? Why Should I?", "What if he's the one?" Well things come with its consequences, I must say. The worst thing is you can dwell in the broken heart situation as long as you like but you may lose the opportunity of some new guy to meet you. But I believe human have the ability to cope and survive on every situation regardless how or how long will it take.

Well about me, umm.. I think I'll deal with getting dumped by writing blog and talk about all the craziness, questions and all inside my head.

Good luck in getting over him..

PS : I always love this quotes when I got dumped, "Life is too short to waste your time trying to get people to like love or care for you. If they can't love you for you then it's their loss. You may just lose someone who just not love you anyway, but he loses someone who really love him."

Hello..

Hi! I'm writing this blog just to speak out what's inside my head about men, love story, dealing with relationship and all.

Why men? Simply because I love them.. People said that men is less complicated than women. Well I don't really think it's true.. I've dealt with so many men with with all their complications. Especially with men these days. So.. you'll see. About Love and Relationship? Hmm.. these two things that I'm learning recently, especially this past year.

I live in Jakarta now. Usually every night, when I'm all done with work and all that, in my bed ready to close the day, all those thoughts, reflections, contemplations come inside my head. That's why I name this blog a Midnight in Jakarta.

Hope you all will enjoy my blog. I would write in mixed language, Bahasa Indonesia and English. Cos I think there are some sentences that would be so hard to be explain in Bahasa and vice versa. :)